"And Then it Shifted" will feature stories from women who left men for other women

I think this is fascintating! I was married and am now a lesbian. I love your post. I remember going through the process and thinking what do people call THIS!? What am I? Then I found some dated book aboout LAMs (Lesbians after marriage). It was lame. Anyhoo, this is completely part of my coming out story. I just posted it on my blog. www.lezzbuzz.comn There's too much there to type in here but I hope you like it!! -Kate

"Yeah we both got dreams we can chase alone or we can make our own."

www.lezzbuzz.com @lezzbuzz  www.shedate.com

I can't speak for all women, but I do know quite a few, who recently converted into our holy institution, for a myriad of reasons. Although constant was having being in a relationship with a man who wasn't or isn't going anywhere in life, or I guess more specifically career. Umm...But I think it isn't a matter of doing it because, it's currently hot at the moment, but what fits? Who knows? But, definitely I would buy that book when (or if?) it comes out.

Girls make out at clubs because it's hot at the moment, women don't leave marriages because it's hot at the moment.

And I'm sorry but this is not about bisexuality.  Women in long term committed marriages who leave for a woman are lesbians not bisexual.  They try very hard to make it work, but deep down they know they are living a lie, so some choose to be true to themselves.

And yes I believe it happens more now because gays are more accepted these days.  There are actual celebrity examples now.  Plus women these are more capable of supporting themselves and being independant.  There's the slow but steady progress of legal gay marriage.  The environment is just better than before.

When the current relationship with a man does not work SOME will leave them because they are a lesbian, some will leave because they are bisexual and ARE NOT HAPPY in that relationship and some fall in love with someone else who happens to be a woman, nothing more nothing less.

Leaving a man for a woman to me is more about love then batting for the other team (or both). These woman from my viewpoint fell in love with a person that happens to be a woman and good for them for finding love and hope that their ex-husbands are fine.

*face palm on this:

Women in long term committed marriages who leave for a woman are lesbians not bisexual.  They try very hard to make it work, but deep down they know they are living a lie, so some choose to be true to themselves.

I know we lesbians are a rare kind that sometimes we just want to rank numbers as if their is going to some war and there is saftey in numbers. Women who leave long-term marriages can be both or neither in regards to them leaving their husbands for women. I to don't think it's about bisexuality nor do I think it's about lesbianism. I think it's something different.

As for LAMs (lol), the balance of the universe are LUGs (Lesbians until graduation).

Heh.

Ok, so I am currently married to a great guy but have fallen in love with a great girl. Brackishtea said it correctly, I've fallen in love with someone and it just happens to be a woman.

I've lived a life for everyone else but myself. I looked for a husband because I thought that was the only way that I could have what I really longed for - a family, children, a home. It's only recently that "out" partners raising kids and living normal lives has been seen and even celebrated. It never once crossed my mind that it was possible. But, AE has it right - visibility matters! It's important that all of our stories be told. It's empowering and life changing.

I hid my true self and carried alot of shame around for far too long. For me, it's not about a label - lesbian, bisexual, straight. I don't self-identify with any of those. What's more important to me is that I get started on living the life that I now have the strength and honesty to live - for myself. The labels serve their purpose for some - I find them all restrictive, political and polarizing. But, I choose to let my personal be my political. My no-label is just fine. It's the joy that I wake up with every morning because I can finally be honest with myself and the rest of the world.

Last point - leaving a marriage to a man for a woman is a tremendously difficult situation. Speaking generally, it's a terrifying, earthshattering decision that leaves a scar on your soul. It's not a phase, it's not "hott", it's horrible. But, it's also maybe necessary to be true to that woman's soul.

Besides looking for stories from women who have left their husbands for other women which I think would be an interesting read, I also hope the book examines the phenomena from the ex husbands point of view and tackles all his emotions that go along with that.  I just hope the book doesnt take a "men bad, women good approach" but really examines all the emotions and feelings involved because there are so many layers here. While its never easy to end a relationship, I wonder if its easier when one spouse leaves the other for someone of the opposite gender. At least you can "compete" with that.  A close friend of mine was in a similar boat. His wife left him for another woman and he was completely devestated by it. He wondered for months how he had failed her and what he could have done differently. It took over a year to come to grips with it emotionally but unfortunately legal battles in court and custody issues with the kids consumed his time and money and he had to declare bankruptcy last year. A break up is always painfully particularly a couple who had formed a life together with kids, house etc. 

If anyone reads the authors' submission request it is not excluding or ignoring. It only asks for submissions from women who had identified as heterosexual, not how they identify now.

There is a difference in living as a lesbian and being bisexual--seems stupid to say that here, but the ramifications of leaving the heterosexual world for a lesbian one is not the same as not leaving the heterosexual world behind because she still desires men and just happens to be with (desires) a woman right now. And even if a book does want to talk about women who identify as lesbian why is that wrong? I've know a number of women who do not go back to men nor have any desire to. They no longer desire men. (And most never actually did, they were living as heterosexuals). Lesbian. These celebrities are coming out as "lesbian", that's how they identify. It's different. 

Perhaps the book will evolve into one about women who desire women exclusively (not bisexual). Or, the book more likely will include a variety of experiences, which, at this point seems quite plausible since the authors do state that the book will "evolve" depending on submissions.

This is not the first book on the subject by far.  I've read a number of them, and one book  addressed this specifically. In fact, the book was written from submissions, interviews.

Lesbian Epiphanies: Women Coming Out in Later Life by Karol Jensen.

A book I thought was very thoroughly researched:

Surpassing the Love of Men: Romantic Friendship and Love Between Women From the Renaissance to the Present by Lillian Faderman, who has written other excellent books on the subject.

This topic makes me very sad. A very good male friend of mine went through the heartache of losing his life partner and the mother of his child to a woman. The complications and insinuations that seem to be made in the endeavor of this book really seem to be degrading to men. Men are not the enemy. The only thing separating us from men is a Y chromosome. I believe that everyone is entitled to share their experiences, and while this may open some interesting dialogue, I don't see how this could ever convey the whole story. The angle that is being taken is opening a very one-sided perspective (a.k.a. gripe-fest) and that really does not interest me. I am more interested in understanding the larger impact of society's imposition on lifestyles (i.e.- not just the stories of the women who left men for women, but also the stories of the men they left and the stories of the women they left them for... and any children/friends/pets thrown into the mix).

 "women are telling their stories about leaving the heterosexual world behind to pursue true love"- relationships are complicated, and for many people (at least fifty percent of hetero American couples) do not practice long term monogamy. For the time of their marriage (relationship, etc.), however, the feelings were valid and real. Just because a relationship comes to an end doesn't mean that in the moment, "true love" was missing.

My questions:

Since the editors are primarily looking for women who were in straight relationships and did not want to be, does this mean they will exclude the record of women who enjoyed their relationship with men? Will they address the influence and psychology of sexual fluidity (not bisexuality)? What about bisexuals?

My point about including the husbands and family members' perspective was that it would make a more interesting read to me because a relationship has so many layers to it and two sides.  Im interested in reading the womens stories but I realize any story can be weaved and crafted by the author to pursue an agenda. Even the highlighted quote above implies  an agenda to me...  "leaving the heterosexual world behind to pursue true love" . Like Flor said, just because a relationship ends doesnt imply true love was missing if the woman is bisexual. If a lesbian was living a lie and entered into a marriage of convenience than I understand this better but to me it leaves out a lot of bisexuals.

I think this book is purposley going to leave out bisexuals and men.  It seems to be of a lesbian positive focus.

I don't really see the point of including bisexuals in this, since it really is just a case of someone leaving a partner for someone else.  They just fell out of love, and that is ground that's been covered plenty of times.

And the fact that these men felt they weren't "Man enough" to keep their wives, or could have done something to prevent them from turning to women just goes to show their huge ignorance and arrogance, and is precisley why we don't need to hear their stories.

Why are posters here not happy to have a woman-focused book?

I'm actually baffled and offended to read here that books about women's experiences must be somehow balanced or validated by Mens stories. Why? 

This is a book about women's experiences. What's wrong with that?

...We need another feminist movement.

It was just an idea and I think it would be a more interesting read. I do plan to read the book and hopefully find the stories interesting and insightful.  My point was that a relationship is very much layered. I dont believe the husbands' stories validate the womens stories. From a sociological aspect Id like to read a book from perspectives.

Aya I disagree about what you wrote about the husbands left behind. You say they are "arrogant" if they think they could have changed things somehow. After a breakup in a LTR its human nature to wonder if you could have done things differently somehow. My friend fell in love with a woman having no idea she was bisexual at the time, was in a relationship for over a dozen years, took vows of marriage, bought a house together and fathered two children with her. I think his feelings of devestation are absolutely valid. On top of all his emotional pain, he was bankrupt because the court system was stacked against him ( child custody) and is now 40 years years old and starting from scratch again.  Its not ignorance or arrogance its called being human to feel these things. 

The best aspect of being lesbian is there are no men's stories!

just make out sans labels...

amor vinicit omnia