Jane Velez-Mitchell talks to Dr. Phil about coming out and bisexuality

Thanks for the synopsis, StuntDouble!

As I posted in response to your TV ALERT YESTERDAY I did watch Dr Phil.  I still can't find any full-length vids online, but I agree -- I highly recommend it be watched. 

I'll admit, the whole time I was watching I was waiting for the other shoe to drop but, surprisingly, it didn't.  While he wasn't saying "I support lesbians/gays/etc", he did treat all his guests with respect and handled each sub-topic with dignity.  And having the rep from the American Institute of Bisexuality as well as being in touch with GLAAD -- I dare say I was impressed.

The only thing that made me cringe AND laugh out loud simultaneously was the ominous sounding background music that played during the video of Velez-Mitchell's ex-bf's account of their relationship.  But that's totally per usual for his show and others similar to it. So cheesy, lol!

Again, pleasantly surprised but hey -- and I'll quote Dr Phil from yesterday re: attitudes toward lesbian/gay people -- "progress is being made".  Yup, in the some of the last places I'd ever expect.  :)

I truly expected Dr. Phil to come out on the other side of this issue, but he was so surprisingly sensitive, educated, and respectful.  Go Dr. Phil!

This sounds like an amazingly thoughtful, dignified, insightful piece for a show that seems to rely on theatrics and Dr. Phil's drawl more often than not. I particularly love his response to the digusted mother (I paraphrase): "focus on what the truth is, not what you want it to be". That is such a powerful statement, and who knows? If that mother takes it into consideration, consider the possibilities for her daughter and her relationship with her daughter.

Also loved Denise Pin's quote, "just relax", everyone seems so set on having hard and fast labels and there is a lot of pressure on bisexuals from both communities, with each one tending to dismiss bisexuals as flighty, slutty or insincere. Bisexuals are rarely taken seriously, and the mother's comment about bisexuality being a fad is the most voiced opinion out there, for both heterosexuals and homosexuals.

Thanks for this article, I never watch Dr. Phil, so I would have no idea that this was being aired. I love that this is a show watched by average Americans, many of whom may not know much beyond media stereotype and age-old rumor concerning bisexuals. Kudos!

I think the pressure is equal from both the LGBT AND the Straight communities...I'm bi, but I have found to my ....disappointment, that I find easier acceptance when I say I identify as gay or straight,  But  get the scrunchy face when I say Bi...the invariable response I get from men is one of two answers, 1) can we do a threesome or 2) can I watch....men seem to think I'm being sexually adventurous...that is soo NOT the case! I get the same response from the lesbians that I can't make up my mind...so I don't even mention the bisexuality.

I agree from your synopsis of the Dr Phil show, that there is distinct need for better understanding...that progress is much needed. I was unable to watch the show due to being at work, and will be eagerly looking for full versions of the ep online.  Thank you for posting your synopsis and will be bookmarking this column.

I saw Dr Phil's show once, well over 10 years ago, and switched it off because he came over so very, very badly.  So I'm really happy with this.  Progress is being made, indeed, and thank goodness.

Barbara was so obviously relieved by what Denise was saying that it made me wonder who puts more pressure on bisexuals: heterosexuals or the LGBT community? 

My experience has been that bi people are now more accepted than we were 10 years ago, but that those gay men and lesbians who are hostile to bi people are way more dismissive, verbally abusive, and plain aggressive about the issue than most straight people who don't like us (usually, it's just that women think we're going to steal their boyfriends and men think we're sexually available to them, which is gross and offensive, but not as immediately threatening - as women, I think we're all used to our sexualities being supposed to be subordinate to male desire). 

An important caveat, though, is that,  I have never lived in an area where people are predominantly influenced by the religious right, and have worked primarily in progressive organisations where diversity is considered A Good Thing We Are Aiming For, and that gay men seem to have more of a problem with bi guys than lesbians have with bi women.  It's all based on personal experience and not a scientific survey.

What I have found is that dismissive, hostile comments and behaviours by lesbians and gay men hurt far more than the same comments by straight people; having come out in a circle of friends of all orientations and gender identities, I was fully accepted for who I am, and so was shocked when my introduction to my then local LGBT scene was being physically attacked by a lesbian who screamed abuse at me as she shoved me up against a wall and had to be prised off me (she was, ironically, listened to and comforted as she cried about the discrimination she had encountered as a butch lesbian by another openly bisexual friend, who went on to find her an LGBT-friendly counsellor and put her in touch with more support).  We expect the queer community to be a shiny, wonderful, fully-inclusive community when we come out, and not a motley collection of ordinary human beings with the full range of human emotions, dysfunctions, and healthy, supportive behaviours.

I think this question brings up interesting points. We all know that straight people and countless parents look at bsexuality as a phase and hope that some day they will realize it and become fully striaight. Or that bixsexuals are slutty and unfaithful. But the same thing happens on the gay side too. The LGBT community (the l-g-B-t community) really does pressure bisexuals in the same way straight people often do. They think that their bisexuality is a phase that will lead them to the path of full lesbianism or homosexuality.

We also often exclude bisexuals when reffering to lady-loving lady's. And it's sad. Bisexuals are still seen as "other" even in the gay community. Most of my friends don't see it this way, but I do see it from some people. Even subtle things that people don't even pick up on. Like calling women lesbians who have just started to date women after dating men. Or calling a woman who went from being in relationship with a man to being in one with a women and then back to dating a man again straight. We kind of eliminate the idea that these women might just be bisexual.

I also feel like some people from the gay community feel like bisexuals are "less gay" in some way and I don't feel like that's the case at all. I think a bisexual woman can be just as gay as a lesbian woman. Although this notion of more or less gay is kinda silly if you think about it... It's fine to joke about, but it can be damaging when taken seriously. It can make people feel less accepted and disconnected from the community.

"Rather than focusing on what you want the truth to be," Dr. Phil told her, "focus on what the truth is, and then educate yourself so you can have an intelligent conversation with your daughter, because at no time do you want to give her the impression that she's not OK with you. "

Love this quote. So many people are all caught up in what they WANT to be reality, they end up burying themselves in a massive hole called Denial, and they miss out on the lives of loved ones.

"Rather than focusing on what you want the truth to be," Dr. Phil told her, "focus on what the truth is, and then educate yourself so you can have an intelligent conversation with your daughter, because at no time do you want to give her the impression that she's not OK with you. "

Love this quote. So many people are all caught up in what they WANT to be reality, they end up burying themselves in a massive hole called Denial, and they miss out on the lives of loved ones.

Wow - I really was shocked that this seems to have come off so well! Count me in as another person who's experienced disbelief, anger, discrimination, dismissal, etc. from the queer community in amounts higher (or perhaps just more potent) than from the hetero community. KayJ said most of what I could - it's definitely better than it was 10 years ago, but there's still a lot of vitriol out there for us.

This comes up often now, since I've been with a guy in an essentially monogamous relationship for the past 7 years. There are legitimate points of discussion to be made around the fact that I end up passing for straight much of the time, despite my firm desire to not do so. But people see us together and hetero assumptions follow; conversations can easily correct that, but unless I bring up sexual orientation with the folks at the airline, the car rental co., the cab driver, hotel clerk and anyone who sees us hold hands on the street, one vacation can see me labeled as 'straight' hundreds of times. That *does* mean that I experience life differently than I did when I was with a woman, and I do get some benefits of straight privilege from it. And I'm sure some people find my orientation less threatening because I'm with a man - they don't have to think about scary lesbian sex when I come out to them. But it doesn't make me any less queer.

Anyway, Traci's point about how we rarely 'give' people the label bisexual hit home for me - I feel like I'm generally 'allowed' to call myself bi (after 15 years, few people will claim it's phase, at least to my face). However, it's an identity that I have to fight for and actively claim; otherwise people will assign me to lesbian or straight depending on whom I'm with. The lack of recognition, esp. when combined with the overt hostility, gets wearying after a while. 

From your description, it sounds like this show did 2 things I'm really glad to hear about:

1) It testified that even if people in liberal and cosmopolitan surroundings can really struggle painfully with coming out, because heterosexism is really that strong. (A lot of the liberal straight people I know want to pretend it's only the far religious right who are biased, but I have not found that to be true.)

2) It made the point that many, many people come out as lesbian and gay first and then come out a second time as bisexual. I've been active in the bi community for years, and it infuriates me that people treat being bi like a phase when gayness and straightness are phases as or even more often!