"Top Chef" mini-cap: Have yourself a merry little Chefmas

It’s morning in the Top Chef apartment and the chefestants are basking in victory (Ariane) and licking wounds (Eugene) or removing shoes from asses (Stefan). I guess he means he is recovering from Tom’s verbal ass-kicking. But who knows — he has been awfully touchy-feely with Fabio lately, so maybe the bromance been taken to the next level.

Enough with the homoerotic overtones: It’s time to cook. And it’s also time for Christmas. The Top Chef kitchen is awash in holiday cheer. For the Quickfire Challenge, the chefs must make a “one-pot wonder” meal in 45 minutes. And to judge their holiday creations is none other than domestic goddess herself, Martha Stewart. Yes, Martha freaking Stewart.

Seeing Padma and Martha stand side-by-side both radiating the serene, authoritarian calm that befits their inner kitchen dominatrix is beyond delicious. In fact, I don’t care what the cheftestants cook — I just want to watch Padma and Martha eat things together. Mmmm, Padma and Martha, mmmm… OK, I’m back.

While the chefs create their potted masterpieces, we learn that cougar Ariane and chefbian Jamie are, in fact, kitchen buddies. They like working side-by-side, trying each other’s food and praising each other with platitudes like, “Girl, you are the best.” See, world, women can compete vigorously and not be catty. Please, take note.

But enough kumbaya. Martha is hungry. As she makes her rounds, she very gracious and largely complimentary of all the dishes. Her bottom three are Eugene’s cornstarch thickened Korean stew and Jeff’s pungent potato risotto and Fabio’s grayish polenta.

Martha’s favorites, however, were Hosea’s paella, Jamie’s scallops over kale stew and Ariane’s filet mignon over cauliflower purée. She picks Ariane (over Jamie, again) because she was fooled into thinking the purée contained butter while in fact it was just a dash of cream. So Ariane walks away with immunity, an autographed cookbook and most importantly, the satisfaction of having pleased Martha freaking Stewart. If I was Ariane, I’d put that on my resume.

To keep the holiday cheer going, Padma bring in the Harlem Gospel Choir in full song. As they serenade our cheftestants, I take note of what they are singing. Is that the “12 Days of Christmas?” That’s right, the chefs must draw numbered knives and create a dish to represent each day from the song.

And just to up the ante, the food they create will be served for a holiday AMFAR (American Foundation for AIDS Research) benefit with 250 guests hosted by Natasha Richardson and critiqued by guest judge Michelle Bernstein.

The “12 Days of Christmas” Elimination Challenge is either really easy or really hard given on what day is drawn. “Three French hens?” No worries! “Eleven lords a leaping?” Is it legal to serve lord? The days, chefs and dishes break out thusly:

12. Drummers drumming – Stefan – creamy pot pie
11. Pipers piping – Hosea – smoked pork
10. Lords a leaping – Jeff – seared cheese
9. Ladies dancing – Fabio – crab cakes
8. Maids a milking – Michelle –gorgonzola with beef
7. Swans a swimming – Jamie – scallop and vichyssoise
6. Geese a laying – Ariane – deviled eggs
5. Golden rings – Eugege – poisson cru with pineapple rings
4. Calling birds – Nobody, since there are only 11 chefs left!
3. French hens – Leah – guinea hen
2. Turtle doves – Carla – braised chicken and mushroom caps
1. Partridge in a pear tree – Radhika – duck with pear chutney

After three hours of prep the night before, the chefs return in the morning to find a fridgeocalypse. One of the refrigerators has been left open and all the food inside is spoiled. This means Hosea’s pork, Radhika’s duck and Melissa’s cheese is ruined. Hosea and Radhika are the most S.O.L. and the latter considers serving her tears.

But in the end — in the spirit of Tiny Tim, Clarence the Angel and the Grinch after his heart grew three-sizes that day — all the other chefs pitch in to help Hosea and Radhika. They stir, they chop, they do what they can. It’s proof that this season is blessedly asshat free. Even iceman Stefan says he wants to help because he wants to “win fair and square.” Kitchen gods bless us, every one.

At the benefit, Jamie calls AMFAR near and dear to her little gay heart. Stefan is thinking somewhat lower when he declares that event host Natasha’s voice is “Yum.” I concur, as is the rest of her.

As the guests and judges taste the dishes, Broadway heartthrob Cheyenne Jackson declares Jamie’s “Seven Swans A-Swimming” scallops “A little too slimy.” But wait: Just when you thought her dish was doomed to sleep with the fishes, the Top Chef bloggers extraordinaire over at Amuse-Biatch uncovered Scallopgate II (Scallopgate I, of course, was asshat Spike’s frozen scallop fiasco from Season 4). Bravotv.com posted the full clip of Cheyenne’s take on Jamie’s scallops. Watch and learn.

What Cheyenne really said was “I just tried the Seven Swans A-Swimming, um, and it was good, surprisingly. I’m not usually a scallops person. A little too slimy.” So, gee, through the magic of editing a positive comment was turned into a negative comment. What are you saying, Bravo? Are you saying I can’t trust what’s on the teevee? Good God, next thing you’ll be saying I can’t trust what’s on the Internets.

Still, editing deception aside, things don’t look great for Jamie given that her scallops triggered Padma’s gag reflex again (the first time this season was with Ariane’s too sweet dessert in the second episode). But before anyone gets the bad news, Hosea, Jeff, Stefan and Radhika get the good news. They are the judges’ favorites and Hosea is declared the winner. Thankfully both he and Radhika make sure to give their fellow chefs credit for helping out and saving them after the fridge malfunction.

The bottom three are not so lucky. Jamie (too slimy), Michelle (too cheesy) and Eugene (too sweet) are given lumps of coal by the judges. Eugene pulls a Daniel and stubbornly refusing to admit that his dish was bad.

Afterward, head judge Tom Colicchio Scrooges out on all the chefs declaring the food “universally poor.” In fact Papa Bear is so disappointed he goes to the Stew Room to tell everyone how disappointed he is. But instead of being all Ebenezer, Tom has called on the ghosts of Top Chefs past, present and future and gives them all a break. In the spirit of the holidays, he tells our scared contestants that no one is going home.

I breathe a sigh of relief, because I was certain our little chefbian would be the one sent packing. Nobody makes Padma gag and gets away with it.

Next episode (which won’t be until Jan. 7): The chefs’ challenge has no limits. Jamie is once, twice, three times a scallop.