As Sarah pointed out last week, the more press Jennifer Aniston does for Marley & Me, the less she can keep her pants on.

I loved Jennifer Aniston on Friends more than I can express; not a Thanksgiving goes by when I don't bring a dessert to my grandma's and say, "First there’s a layer of ladyfingers, then a layer of jam, then custard — which I made from scratch — then raspberries, more ladyfingers, then beef sauteed with peas and onions, then a little more custard, and then bananas, and then I just put some whipped cream on top!"

There's something about Aniston's movies, though, that just don't resonate with me — and no amount of half-naked magazine photos is going to change that.

But you know what might change it? Magazine photo shoots with puppies. … continue reading

Recently, I have been contemplating getting another tattoo. After all, it has been scientifically proven that they are hot. Before I get inked, however, there are two things I have to decide on first: the design and the placement.

Now you see why I am holding out. There is nothing worse than a bad tattoo.

Let's be real, though: The design options are endless; the placement options are not. And what better way to decide where to permanently mark my body than by looking to celebrities for guidance? It seems to be the trend.

First, there's the old-school armband that Pamela Anderson made popular.

Her thoughts on body art?

"Tattoos are like stories — they're symbolic of the important moments in your life. Sitting down, talking about where you got each tattoo and what it symbolizes, is really beautiful."

But what exactly does barbed wire symbolize? Oh, right: There was that 1996 movie written by someone named Ilene Chaiken. But I digress.

Moving on, I present to you arms and wrists.

Clockwise from top left: Winona Ryder, Jessica Alba, Alanis Morissette and Tegan and Sara.

(See more of Tegan and Sara's tattoos here.)

Of course, I could follow the examples of Megan Fox, Alyssa Milano and Christina Ricci and choose the back of my shoulder. … continue reading

Well, the Oscar nominations came out today; congratulations to all the nominees. Lord only knows what the ceremony will look like if the writers' strike continues, but bask in your glory for the day and worry about seeming like a scab tomorrow. Since it’s often more fun to read a bad review than a good one, let’s talk about this year’s worst performances instead. That’s right, the 2007 Razzie Award nominations are out. It appears to have a bad year for students and/or strippers who could be amnesiacs and/or long-lost twins and who are being chased by a serial killers. But then, I’d imagine any year would be hard for someone with that mix of attributes.

Seeing the list makes me feel pretty good about my own taste in movies, since I haven’t seen I Know Who Killed Me or any of the other Worst Picture nominees: Bratz, Daddy Day Camp, I Now Pronounce You Chuck & Larry and Norbit.

In fact, of all the nominees, I’ve seen only one of the performances, that of Worst Supporting Actor stinker Orlando Bloom in Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End. And mostly I saw that out of my long-standing affinity for Johnny Depp, who might as well be a woman because he’s so damn pretty. What? Don’t judge. … continue reading

T-minus one week and counting to my favorite psuedo-holiday of the year. I love Halloween. Think about it. It's the only time of year that it's OK to accept candy from strangers. In fact, soliciting candy from strangers is expected. It's also the only time of the year it's socially acceptable for those of us who aren't paid actors to dress up in costume and pretend to be something or someone we're not.

For more than a decade, Bette Midler has been throwing one of the best Halloween bashes around. I say best not because it's the biggest or the scariest. I say best because she throws the bash to raise money for New York Restoration Project, a nonprofit founded by Midler to clean, restore and revitalize New York City's parks. The group reclaims abandonded parks, plants community gardens and offers youth education programs aimed at greening up New York City.

In conjunction with the annual bash at the Waldorf-Astoria, the group also holds an online auction. Among the items available for bid this year are a day on the set of Wolverine with Hugh Jackman and tickets to Jessica Alba's next movie premiere. Sign me up for that one.

This year, they're also having "Wicked Day" on Oct. 28, complete with block party, performances by the cast of Wicked and a ribbon-cutting ceremony for the new Friendship Gardens. … continue reading

Theoretically, the Spike TV Scream Awards should totally not be my thing. First, it’s on Spike TV, the channel with the subtle tagline “Get More Action” and programming aimed at the young adult male market. You know, the polar opposite of Lifetime Television for Women. Second, it’s an award show dedicated to horror, sci-fi and fantasy. While I enjoy a lot of sci-fi and fantasy, I’ve never been a big horror fan. I can’t help it; I scare easily. And finally, I can’t take any event seriously that asks Paris Hilton to appear. But then I heard Lena Headey would also be there, and suddenly all that other stuff didn’t seem to matter that much.

Oh, Lena. Even your crazy choice of potato-sack couture could not deter my devotion. Now I’m going to have to tape the telecast and fast-forward to your parts. Or, better yet, wait until some similarly stalkerish devoted fan posts the clips online.

The Scream Awards were held last Friday in Los Angeles, and the broadcast airs at 10:00 tonight on Spike. And for those of you with a somewhat less obsessive view of lovely Lena, there are some other reasons to watch. Like, say, Rosario Dawson’s tongue: … continue reading

If there were ever a time in my life I wished I were better at math, this is it. Mathematicians at the University of Cambridge — yes, Cambridge — have determined through careful calculations and tireless hours of grueling research that Jessica Alba has the best wiggle.

Yes, that’s right: Jessica’s strut is the hottest of them all, based on a formula that measures the proportions between a woman’s hips and waist. The academics determined that the closer the ratio is to .70, the better for maximum sexy sway. That ratio “provides the body with the right torso strength to produce a more angular swing and bounce to the hips during the walking motion.”

Raise your hand if you think this “study” was just an excuse for a bunch of math nerds to look at pictures like this and call it serious research. … continue reading

Last night’s Teen Choice Awards could have been called the More Evidence That High School Musical Is Taking Over the Universe Awards. But I guess that would be too long to fit on the trophies. While South of Nowhere lost the Choice Breakout TV show award to Heroes, fellow AfterEllen.com reader favorite Degrassi won the Choice Summer TV award. See the complete list of winners here. In the interest of full disclosure, I’ll admit that I did not watch the show. I’m so far out of the teen demographic that to tune in would have been mildly creepy. However, I have no problem scanning the pictures afterward. Voyeurism, journalism — it’s a thin line. And with that, I give you my completely unprofessional, randomly snarky thoughts on the stars of the Teen Choice Awards.

Hilary Duff and Eve: Is this too much back and front for these ladies to be showing at a show for teenagers, or am I just a being a prude?

Ashley Jensen and America Ferrera: These two are causing me to have some decidedly R-rated thoughts during an entirely PG-rated show.

… continue reading

The other day while perusing photos, I came across a shot of an attractive blond who reminded me of a young Michelle Pfeiffer. Then I read the caption. Mary-Kate Olsen? Bahwah? Now, I’ve always fallen into the "Olsens look like lorises" camp. Or Gelflings. Or food-deprived troll dolls. But this, this insane similarity made me doubt all my long-held and strongly-felt beliefs on celebrity twinhood. How could this be? Has the world gone mad?

Short answer: Yes. Long answer: Hell, yes. Sure, all stars have their obvious twinsies. Angelina Jolie and Megan Fox’s similarities have been so exhaustively dissected that even your grandma could tell you, “Oh, honey, that Transformers girl is just trying to steal Angie’s look.”

But the more you look around, the more you realize that unlikely (and downright odd) celebrity twins are everywhere. And these weird-alikes just keep getting weirder. … continue reading

Our brother site AfterElton.com has just released the first annual AfterElton.com Hot 100 List — which features the hottest men as chosen by thousands of gay and bisexual men — and the guy who topped the list? The same one who topped Malinda's list of top ten lesbian-ish men: Jake Gyllenhaal.

In fact, everyone on Malinda's list but John Cusack made AfterElton.com's list, which makes me wonder if maybe lesbians and gay men aren't that different after all. (Although, no John Cusack? That's a crime!)

But I have to confess, I don't even know who some of the guys on their list are. Like Chris Evans (No. 2), who is apparently in the Fantastic Four movies, which I've never seen. I considered seeing them briefly, for Jessica Alba, but I prefer her with dark hair. A blonde Jessica Alba just doesn't work for me — I like my Alba a little edgier. Although she is bringing on the fierce here: … continue reading

Quick, guess which of these news items is real?

A. The Monopoly board game is being made into a movie, with Scarlett Johansson and Kirsten Dunst being considered for lead roles.
B. Katherine Heigl is launching her own line of hospital scrubs.
C. Dane Cook and Jessica Alba think they’re the John and Yoko of this generation.
D. None of the above
E. All of the above (A-C)

What sounds promising? Clearly it can’t be A, because who wants to watch a movie about a game where your brother cheats and the banker can’t add and eventually everyone gets bored and gives up? And there is no way it could be B; scrubs are so unflattering. Plus, don‘t get me started on C — that’s just flat out wrong. So, it has to be D, right? D?

Would that I were that creative. Sadly, the answer is E: They’re all true news items. Let’s pick apart the insanity together, shall we? … continue reading

Ugh. I’m not sure what annoys me most about this poster.

Is it the fact that the ice cream cone dripping all over Jessica Alba’s hand is the least subtle phallic symbol since middle-aged men began buying red, shiny sports cars; the fact that it’s part of a trio of groan-worthy posters (seriously, groan) for her new film Good Luck Chuck; or the fact that it is one in a strange series of pictures taken of the actress recently where she is either dripping or splattered with some form of liquid and/or edible substances? … continue reading

We all knew she was hot — especially in Dark Angel — but Jessica Alba is also pretty funny in the trailer for Good Luck Chuck. The movie stars Dane Cook as Chuck, a guy who is perceived as a lucky charm — each woman who sleeps with him finds her true love shortly thereafter. So, as often happens in this kind of movie, word gets around and suddenly a lot of women want to sleep with him. Alba plays Kim, a penguin keeper (yes, a penguin keeper) who makes Chuck's "blessing" feel like a curse.

… continue reading