After last week's judgment, the remaining queen wannabees return to their Palace of Bunk beds. Tanedra is exhausted by the mere sight of seeing Michelle walk through the door. How did Marissa get the axe instead of Michelle? As Jessica trumpets Lina's triumph of being named "Leading Lady" for the week, and Lina unironically flips her hair around, Tanedra rubs her temples. She later tells us that Michelle's acting is just not "believable" — which is a very kind understatement on her part.

Michelle is still "uncertain about what exactly sucks" about her performance, and just in case we share her confusion, the editors at Scream Queens roll some footage of one of her scenes to refresh our memory. They include a shot of her cast mates laughing hysterically at her unintentionally comedic scene.

Michelle protests, "I have a year of training. It's not like I'm just some good-looking girl they picked up on the side of the road." Wow. All of that experience AND humility? Amazing. She should be teaching some Master classes.

Angela laments the fact that she hasn't even been in the judgment room (for praise or humiliation) and has gotten zero feedback. No news is good news, Angela.

The next day, Shawnee gathers the contestants for their next challenge. She tells them that they need to learn about my favorite kind of scary movies, the ones in which horror and humor go hand-in-hand.

Shawnee shows them a scene from the classic campy horror film, The Brain That Wouldn't Die (1962) and Inside the Actor's Studio shoe-in Michelle gripes, " The actress is basically just a head. It was a horribly written — first of all, black and white, I mean hello! Have you heard of color?" … continue reading

The drama continues this week on Scream Queens, when Lindsay returns to the holding pen to tell the girls that she was crowned “Leading Lady” for the week. Per the norm, no one is particularly happy for her.

Lina admits that director Gunn told her that she needs an “attitude adjustment” and to “stop being a diva.” No one offers up the typically-obligatory, “Oh my God, that’s so not true!”

The girls also learn that “poor Mariss” was told by the judges that she comes across as fake, and she cries about how they must have it out for her and that she can’t possibly change their minds. The girls reassure her that she can appear to be less fake if she really tries. Of course, if all else fails, Marissa can just fake it.

Later, Shawnee meets the contenders at the studio location where she shot the infamous “jaw trap” scene in the original Saw film.

I’m so glad they didn’t have these contraptions when I was growing up. I talked a lot and my mother was into corporal punishment.

The girls learn that they are going to learn how to do their own high dive stunts, or, as Shawnee calls it, “the proper and safe way to fall on your ass.” Lina has a fear of heights, but Jessica is excited because, as she tells us, she’s a "thrill-seeker and a risk-taker,” which doesn’t do much for her reputation as a nutbag with her fellow contestants.

Shawnee reminds them that even though they’ll be jumping out of a window, this is an acting challenge. They will be chased by a homicidal maniac, and each has to choose whether or not to jump or die at his hands. Of course, they’re required to “choose” to jump (Shawnee’s definition of “choice” is apparently much like that of the Republican party), and Shawnee wants to see “the moment of choice” in their eyes.

Sarah prepares to jump, and later tells us that she didn’t give a thought to the “immunity” reward she could win. She just kept in mind “that someone’s gonna come f-----g kill me!”

Due to the past criticism of the judges, Marissa wants to be as honest in her performance as she possibly can. No faking it with this jump. But she sucks, as does Angela, who follows her. Shawnee tells them “Don’t forget to act!” (Isn’t that the actor’s version of forgetting to breathe?) Pageant queen Michelle follows them, but forgets not to overact. Yes, she sucks too.

Lina uses her actual fear to her advantage, works up some genuine tears, and jumps. Success! Shawnee tells her it’s her “sexiest performance yet.” … continue reading

Last week, I told you about the faux lesbian kissing we can expect to see on the VH1 reality series, Scream Queens. In order to bring you that piece of hard-hitting journalism, I had to actually watch the show. I was pleasantly surprised by its hilarity (unintentional as some of it may be), the charisma of host and vet scream queen of Saw franchise fame, Shawnee Smith, and the unrepentant bitchiness of the contestants.

It's like Top Model, with an axe in its forehead. So if you like Top Model (I love it) and/or you like horror movies (I usually don't), you should give Scream Queens a whirl. In the meantime, I'll keep you updated here on the blog.

Episode two opens with a lengthy discussion between all the remaining contestants about how the wrong girl (Jo-Anne) got "The Axe" last week. The best part is that the bitch-fest takes place right in front of the girl who they think should have been eliminated, Kylah. Sarah weeps openly, Lindsay gives an impromptu eulogy ("this house will mourn the loss of Jo-Anne"), while Black Dahlia look-alike Angela simply raises a glass of wine and slurs, "Well, I'm just gonna drink." You can't make this stuff up!

Later, Kylah tells us that they've divided the house. "There's the queen bitches (Michelle, me, Angela and Lina) and the more homely girls, like Marssia, Lindsay and Sarah. Basically, they're the girls who would not have been popular in high school."

She has no category for Jessica, who everyone agrees is just old school crazy. Michelle rips apart challenge winner Sarah ("she has an annoying voice, she's ugly as s--t, she needs to straighten her hair"), then offers a theory about why she won. "I think the judges are just trying to make a point, that beauty doesn't have to get you everywhere, when really — please. Please!" … continue reading

The writers' strike is about to make the TV landscape very, very bleak. But tonight there are a couple of sweet spots:

100 Greatest Songs of the '90s, VH1

It's going to take all week to count them down, but Alanis Morissette and TLC are on the list, and that's reason enough to watch.

VH1.com is also offering a special collection of Lilith Fair videos. Ah, the memories of sunscreen and porta-janes! … continue reading

Some things make me proud to be an American. Seeing Miss Teen South Carolina demonstrate the state of education in the United States. Hearing our President assure us that we’re “pertecded from nuculer war.” And knowing that on October 7, citizens across the country will sit down with their Cheetos and Miller Lite to watch America’s Most Smartest Model on VH1.

Yes, VH1 has nobly taken on the cause of proving that beautiful people can be smart. But instead of profiling beauties like Yale magna cum laude grad Jodie Foster or Harvard honors grad Natalie Portman, here’s the plan.

“In every episode, the ‘himbos’ and ‘bimbos’ will face challenges that put both their overall intelligence and their beauty to the test. The individual or team that wins will be safe, the loser(s) will face elimination.” The winner takes home $100,000 and “the coveted title of ‘America’s Most Smartest Model.’” Now that’s something to put on a resume.

Let’s look at some of the candidates for the esteemed honor, along with their unique qualifications. … continue reading

I've been singing Ann Wilson's praises for about 25 years now. It usually goes something like this:

Other person: Wow, this music is awesome. Who is it?
Me: Heart.
Other person: Who?
Me: Heart. 1970s superstars featuring sisters Ann and Nancy Wilson on vocals and guitar. You know, Heart.
Other person: Ann and ... Nancy Wilson? The '60s blues and cabaret singer?
Me: No. The other Nancy Wilson. Heart!!
Other person: Huh. Never heard of 'em.
Me: Get out. Take your stupid Hungry Hungry Hippos game and your giant box of Kix and just go.

Uh, I think I just conflated that with an incident with a neighbor kid when I was seven. Anyway. The point is, Ann has been getting some attention lately — finally.

Heart recently stole the show at the VH1 Rock Honors, and on Sunday, Sept. 9, Ann will host VH1 Classic's afternoon programming. At 3:00 p.m. ET, the Rock Honors show will be rebroadcast. At 5:00, Ann previews her new album Hope & Glory on Inside Track. And at 5:30, she counts down Women Who Rock — including herself, if VH1 Classic doesn't want me to kick it out. (Yessss! Inadvertent Heart song reference!)

Ann's new solo album, which comes out Sept. 11, is an eclectic collection of tunes. Wilson notes, "Each of these songs holds a special place in my soul ... such songs as these carry me through my life." … continue reading

Tonight on VH1 (9/8c), the Rock Honors might actually rock. I'm not talking about Ozzy Osbourne or ZZ Top (that has to be the most Z's ever in a list of honorees) or Genesis — definitely not Genesis. I'm talking about Heart.

Ann and Nancy Wilson have been rocking my world for as long as I can remember. One summer, when I was about 9, I checked out all the Heart LPs from the public library and lovingly made tapes of them, doing my best to reproduce the album lettering as well as the sound.

Yeah, fine: I'm old. But if you haven't given Heart a listen, you really should. You might have seen them on The L Word, when they performed "Crazy On You" in season 2. Isn't it weird when two of your favorite things collide like that? Jenny was entranced, and so was I. … continue reading