On the Tuesday, Dec. 16 episode of The Ellen DeGeneres Show, Britney Spears drops by, wearing a few extra layers of clothing, to go caroling with Ellen.

In search of some good old-fashioned fun, Britney and Ellen reportedly don their gay apparel and take their show door-to-door.

No word yet on what timeless tunes they'll be serenading, but I know my favorite holiday songs are those given a modern spin. I'm thinking that maybe "Frosty the Womanizer," "Walking in a Toxic Wonderland," or maybe "I'm a Slave 4 The Little Drummer Boy," would be some good ones.

What request would you make if they came knocking at your door? … continue reading

Not too much excitement at the record store this week, as we're so close to the end of 2008. The only big release that could rival the return of Britney Spears is R&B singer Akon's latest, Freedom. However, I think Spears will reign supreme, if the current media blitz is any indication.

Britney Spears — Circus (Jive Records)

Whether you think she's nuts or could care less about her woes, the pop star has positioned herself as having a comeback with her latest CD and single "Womanizer." She's embracing the idea that she was a chaotic mess, and claiming to be past it now. As long as she's got all the right people behind her and she can stay away from umbrellas and beauty salons, she could be a success story. … continue reading

The nominees for Best Female Video have been announced for the 2008 MTV Music Video Awards, which will air September 7, 2008. This post will outline not-so-obvious things that come in threes in each of the nominated videos.

1) Rihanna “Take A Bow” – Three Sexy Outfits

Before Rihanna torches what appears to be some of her boyfriend’s possessions at the end of the video, she wears three different sexy outfits. Moral of the story: If you are going to exact revenge on your cheating snake of a boyfriend, you should do it in style. Committing arson never looked so good.

2) Britney Spears “Piece of Me” – Three Dangerous Head Spins

Britney Spears does her patented 360 degree nun-chuck hair whirl three times in the music video for “Piece of Me.” However, I think she needs to be careful. She hasn’t been too stable as of late, and rattling around what’s in her skull would probably be ill-advised. … continue reading

In a recent interview, Joan Jett was asked how she felt about the Britney Spears cover of her iconic rock hit, "I Love Rock 'N Roll."

"I've never even heard Britney's version," Jett said. "I mean, I've obviously heard about it, but I never understood that whole idea I mean, people usually cover a song that says something about them, but I doubt she loves rock 'n roll. Maybe she likes songs."

The woman has a point – sometimes musicians cover odd songs to be ironic (i.e. Alanis covering "My Humps"), but I'm thinking Britney (or her record company) thought the song would give her an edge (the songstress also covered the Rolling Stones "Satisfaction.") But Spears is definitely an easy target. There are tons of other artists who try their best to do a great rendition of someone else's song when it just sort of falls flat.

Hilary Duff doing "My Generation"

Duff doing The Who? Their '60s song was taken and poppified for a younger generation that doesn't appreciate what the lyrics mean whatsoever. Can't you see the tweens cooing, "Things they do look awful cold/Yeah, I hope I die before I get old."

Madonna doing "American Pie"

Sorry, Madge: I just didn't dig it. The song is a legendary folk tune and your voice doesn't do it justice. Maybe this is her revenge on artists who have covered her greatest hits. At any rate, she should stick with her originals (pre-1995, please.) … continue reading

If thousands of years from now our civilization becomes eradicated, much like that of the ancient Egyptians, archaeologists will sift through rock and debris and find artifacts that lead them to the logical conclusion that America had a queen and her name was Oprah. The talk show icon’s legacy will now live on forever thanks in part to sculptor Daniel Edwards, who has recently unveiled his newest piece: “Memories of Sophie and Gracie: A Puppies’ Memorial.”

Edwards created this monument in memory of Oprah’s Cocker Spaniel, Sophie, and Golden Labrador, Gracie, who both passed away this year. Why are the dogs sitting atop her golden head, you ask? Well, Edwards decided to take the road much less traveled in art and place them there for their literal significance: they are always on Oprah’s mind. His message received, I would say. Although Sophie died of natural causes, Oprah’s Labrador died from choking on a ball that she found somewhere within the vastness of the Winfrey estate; Edwards is hoping that his tribute to them will “serve as a reminder to all pet lovers to thoroughly ‘puppy-proof’ their pet’s habitat”. (A public service announcement might have been another helpful way to go about sending this message, but I won’t judge.)

This is not the first time Edwards sculpted a celebrity, or even Oprah for that matter. Back in January, he created a full body bronze sarcophagus of the TV host completely naked (and rather endowed, I might add). Edwards said he created this because he wanted to pay tribute to the closest thing we have in America to a “living deity.” I have always said that a pair of large breasts is a definite sign of godliness. … continue reading

AfterEllen.com tends to shy away from writing about women who get more publicity from their real-life escapades than their talent. But I have to admit, I have kind of a soft spot for Britney Spears. Probably because I still remember her like this.

As Dorothy Snarker reported last week, Spears is guest starring on How I Met Your Mother Monday evening. Cast regulars Alyson Hannigan (Lily) and Jason Segal (Marshall) praised her comic timing, and Cobie Smulders (Robin) called Spears a "true professional." Wait — I almost missed a chance to post a new picture of Alyson.

Britney plays Abby, the nerdy receptionist for Ted's dermatologist (played by Sarah Chalke). CBS released some clips over the weekend, and Britney actually does a pretty good job with the role. … continue reading

Ratings are God. OK, let me rephrase that before someone chucks a Bible/Koran/Torah/Vedas/dog-eared copy of Atlas Shrugged at my head (what, no radical individualists here?). In the world of television, ratings are God. Sure, good writing and strong acting are minor gods. But the Big Kahuna is, and always will be, ratings. In the quest for more and bigger ones, television has a long and sordid history of sacrificial offerings stunt casting. Though, sometimes when you consider who they’re offering up, you wonder if we the audience aren’t the ones being sacrificed instead. Case in point:

Oy. Two well-regarded (if not on my must-see list) shows, How I Met Your Mother and My Name Is Earl, are bringing on guest starlets Britney Spears and Paris Hilton, respectively. Both shows are no doubt relying on the high-profile cameos to help them build buzz for their new episodes as they return post–writers' strike. And, dagnabbit, if it hasn’t worked. Still, as the doomed character in any sci-fi film would say, “Dear God, what have we done?!”

Brit-Brit, who will appear on How I Met Your Mother March 24, is no doubt using her one-episode appearance as yet another comeback launching pad. She will play “Abby,” a receptionist for Ted’s dermatologist who becomes smitten with him. Scrubs star Sarah Chalke will play the dermatologist. Not like anyone noticed with all the “Oh, my God, that Britney’s shameless” hoopla going around. In fact, Alicia Silverstone dropped out from the dermatologist role precisely for that reason. … continue reading

Despite the fact that my father refers to them as “chewing-gum for the eyes,” I admit I love watching music videos. A good video can make me like a song I wasn’t that keen on when I heard it on the radio; a really bad one can put me off a song I thought I liked. But they have to be bad indeed in order to get me to switch off altogether.

Despite all that, I’m aware of a pervasive lack in the majority of music videos. Where — amidst all the heterosexual bumping and grinding and declarations of love — are the lesbians? It’s not like there is a lack of successful out lesbian singers. Melissa and k.d. and Tegan and Sara — they’re all out there. But when it comes to being “out there” in their videos — not so much. Possibly under pressure from their record companies, these singers tend to compensate for their openly gay status in life by keeping their songs and videos carefully gender neutral. In the video for their song "Speak Slow," Tegan and Sara even appear in bed with men — although to be fair, it’s made pretty clear that they are friends rather than love interests.

So where does that leave lesbian visibility in music videos? Every so often, a lesbian couple or two will appear briefly in the video of a (presumably) straight singer who wants to demonstrate his or her gay-friendliness. Vanessa Carlton has them in her video for "Hands on Me." Katie Melua has them in her video for "Call Off the Search." Ex-Spice Girl Emma Bunton has one in her video for "I’ll Be There." British singer Tom Baxter has one in his video for "Better." If you’ve ever seen the video for the Nicole Kidman/Robbie Williams duet "Somethin’ Stupid," you’ll know that Nicole has a split-second moment where she looks like she might switch teams. But by and large, that’s what these appearances are: split-second.

Of course, you can always find the occasional straight male singer who uses “lesbian” imagery or suggestiveness in his videos in a clearly voyeuristic way. Fifty Cent’s video for "Candy Shop" springs to mind. As does Robbie Williams’ threesome in "Come Undone." The video for U.K. dance band Ultrabeat’s "Pretty Green Eyes" basically consists of three exotic dancers “performing” lesbianism for the benefit of the fat, ugly male singer who sits and watches them. Justin Timberlake’s video for "What Goes Around ... Comes Around" has guest star Scarlett Johansson exclaiming — with boring predictability as well as without much conviction — “I like girls.”

In the past 25 years, though, there have been a few music videos that not only feature lesbianish relationships prominently, but also do so in a way that makes it feel like they’re not designed (exclusively) for the benefit of straight male viewers. Here are six of my favorites:

1. Prince, "1999" (1983)

What saves the two ambiguously gay women in this video from being just the usual straight male window-dressing is that a) the camera cuts to them repeatedly, b) they are actually involved in the song, with the brunette apparently playing the keyboard and both women singing, and c) neither of them gets involved with men at any point in the video. The fact that Prince is such a sexually ambiguous creature himself helps — I’m willing to believe that he put them in the video as a nod to sexual diversity, and not just to build up his own reputation as a stud. And I’ll admit it — I can’t resist a blonde in a military cap. … continue reading

I realize that writing a music review of Britney Spears is akin to writing a food review of McDonald's. The music snobs and foodies are sure to look down their noses in disdain. But with over a billion seemingly satisfied fans of both pre-packaged products served, you simply can’t ignore their cultural dominance. So with the official leak of “Blackout” on MTV.com, VH1.com and LOGOonline.com (AfterEllen.com’s big, gay parent company) earlier this week, it’s time to put on the headphones and let Britney hit us, baby, one more time.

Now, the first thing I do is sniff out the dance tracks. Because, let’s get serious, that’s the reason I listen to Brit-Brit in the first place. It’s embarrassing, and possibly unhealthy, the number of times I’ve danced to “Toxic” at parties. So I am happy to report that Ms. Oops She Did It Again delivers the goods and then some. … continue reading

Well, that was just wrong on every level. By now, you’ve probably watched, re-watched and texted your friends so they could watch the horror of the big Britney Spears MTV Video Music Awards comeback that wasn’t. For a supposed entertainment event, that was one of the more painful, more inexplicable and more unnecessary displays I’ve ever witnessed. But more than anything, it just made me sad.

If for some reason you missed it and your friends didn’t call to insist you watch it over and over again with them, consider yourself lucky ... until now. Britney Spears. “Gimme More.” VMAs 2007. You’ve been warned. … continue reading

I am way too old to watch the MTV Video Music Awards. I couldn’t pick a good chunk of the nominees out of a lineup. I don’t own any of the performers or presenters’ CDs (though I have downloaded a song or two, legally — because I am old). Yet, still, I plan to watch this Sunday. Why? Why put myself through the ordeal of watching something so clearly not aimed at my demographic, tastes or sensibilities? Why grate my teeth to a nub at the nominated songs and their accompanying bad grammar? ("The Way I Are"? I Are? Ahhhhh!) Well, it’s simple and terribly shameful. I’m going to watch the VMAs for Britney Spears.

Now, before you come after me with barber shears and a bag of Cheetos, let me explain. Sure, Britney isn’t much of a singer. Sure, she isn’t much of a scholar. And, clearly, she isn’t any kind of a role model. But there is one thing you can always count on from ol’ Brit: pure, unadulterated, unintellectualized spectacle. For good or bad, the girl knows how to create a scene. And some of her best stunts have come at the VMAs. Things like — oh, I don’t know — this.

Or this. … continue reading

Britney Spears, Paris Hilton, Jessica Simpson and Paula Abdul … do you really want to smell like these people? Me, not so much, since I can honestly say I’ve never wanted to smell like a nervous breakdown, jail, desperation or crazy. But, apparently, a lot of people do want to dab on a little eau de paparazzi princess, since new star scents keep popping up everywhere.

Now, I’m not really a perfume fan, period. The first thing I do when I open one of those big, glossy magazines is rip out all the smelly samples. And of course, using celebrities to hawk fancy fragrances is nothing new either. I’ve always admired those elegant Trésor ads featuring Isabella Rosellini and now Kate Winslet. But having stars sell their own signature scents, well that’s a horse of a different color. … continue reading

Grey’s Anatomy actress Sara Ramirez is the latest celebrity to don a milk mustache. The curvaceous star’s new “got milk?” ad features the tagline “Great anatomy.” Right on! What a nice antidote to the bitter poison pill we had to swallow recently from those infuriating light yogurt ads. I’ve already switched my allegiances to cottage cheese.

Now, I’m no big milk drinker (lactose and I aren’t on speaking terms). Nor can I vouch for all the glowing health claims attributed to the white stuff. But you have to admire the persistence of this long-running campaign, which has been going strong since 1993. Over the years, these ads have featured an assortment of cool, kick-ass and questionable folks asking one of the most-repeated rhetorical questions of our time: “got milk?”

Some of the coolest (Buffy Sarah Michelle Gellar, Dixie Chicks, Tracey Ullman): … continue reading