I just took a look at the current issue of TV Guide (yes, the actual paper version; it's awesome) and felt like I was reading a bunch of AfterEllen.com headlines in the listings for tonight. Lovely ladies everywhere!

First, don't forget: Top Chef starts tonight (Bravo, 10/9c), with three — count 'em, THREE — lesbian contestants. Read Dara Nai's interview with those three here, and read blog posts about Padma Lakshmi here. And check back next week for Dorothy Snarker's recap!

Before that, tonight's episode of America's Next Top Model (The CW, 8/7c) features former winner Jaslene and a visit to the meat-packing district. Check out TV Guide's interview with Paulina Porizkova here.

On Law & Order (NBC, 10/9c), Lara Flynn Boyle guest stars as a reporter who gets entangled in a murder investigation. She'll always be Donna from Twin Peaks to me.

Two AfterEllen.com faves are on the talk shows tonight: Charlize Theron is on Letterman, and Sheryl Crow sings from Detours on Jimmy Kimmel Live.

Finally, it may not be obviously lesbianish, but I'm expecting occasionally great things from Lewis Black's Root of All Evil (Comedy Central, 10:30/9:30c). Black and various guest comedians will compare "things from life," asking which is more evil — e.g., . Kim Jong Il or Tila Tequila? Yes, that's one of the examples Black gives. And one of his examples of not-at-all-evil is Mary-Louise Parker. For a show that's essentially 30 minutes of ranting, that sounds pretty promising.

Tonight on the CW, Cycle 10 of America's Next Top Model begins, with new judge Paulina Porizkova. The promo photos certainly are dazzling. Tyra scares me — in a totally good way, of course!

If that's not enough fashion for you, tune in for the first part of Project Runway's two-part season finale on Bravo. Count me among the Christian fans, even though I found him annoying at first. But I already miss Sweet P.

Later, on VHI, the Rags to Riches series profiles Macy Gray. (Check out the great Q&A with Gray on the VH1 site.)

And, of course, it's ladies' night on American Idol. Will Paula Abdul be coherent (like last night) or orbiting a distant planet (like last week)?

It with sadness in our hearts (and apple juice in our veins) that we humbly submit to you our very last vlogs for Cycle 9 of America's Next Top Model.

It's been a wild ride. We watched the girls pose, cry, and not smoke all the way to the bitter end. This time around, we glam up and discuss our theories about why models should be seen and not heard, why "stomp to the death" should be a literal term, and what Dara has in common with Mr. Peanut. And for your viewing pleasure, we've included not one but two thrill-packed reenactments. Because we care. Repeat offender Beloved guestbian Bridget McManus joins us again for the finale, as does her monocle. … continue reading

We're getting down to it now; we're in the home stretch of this season of America's Next Top Model. And if it weren't for the boredom factor of the last few episodes, the suspense would be killing us!

This week, we were missing our girl Jill Bennett (who is shooting a movie), so we invited another gorgeous, funny lesbian, comedian Bridget McManus, to fill in for her. Bridget is like that substitute teacher you had planned to harass and whose life you were going to make a living hell (just because you can), until you walked into the classroom, looked her up and down, said, "Vavoom!" and decided instead to give her the eye and a big, shiny apple. Or a big, shiny apple martini. Whatever works for you.

And did I mention that Bridget can totally rock a monocle?

Anyway, Bridget shared the sofa with me and Dara this week, bearing witness to (the cringe-fest of) the traditional ANTM go-sees, Bianca finally shutting up and just winning a challenge, and Jenah pissing off Tyra.

In addition, Bridget arrived with a slew of wigs (is she perfect for us or what?!) and an open mind, which you all know is a dangerous combination in the We're Getting Nowhere world. Behold her brilliance in not one but two reenactments! … continue reading

The Top Model contestants continued their adventures in China this week, and we learned that no matter where they go, there they are — being bitchy.

In the most recent episode of ANTM, the girls take to the friendly skies and learn some nifty aerial fighting tricks a la Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon. In short, Heather does surprisingly well, Bianca chickens out, and Michelle Yeoh has nothing to worry about. Check out our reenactment of the challenge with some unlucky (and not very athletic) dolls.

In addition to the Top Model acrobatics, this week we discuss:

• Why Saleisha let us down
• What kind of "queen" Cover Girl spokesmodel Queen Latifah is looking for
• How Bianca is like an ant

Also, in another We're Getting Nowhere bonus feature, the "lost" ANTM contestants, Loquacious, Lorelai and Natalia, audition for a Cover Girl commercial. It's not nearly as glamorous as it sounds. … continue reading

If you've needed to catch up on your sleep, the most recent ANTM offered a stellar opportunity. There was hardly any crying or fighting, and despite the proximity of pyrotechnics, the photo shoot was less than hot. The episode was just plain boring.

Nevertheless, there were some developments for us to discuss. Heather worked hard to maintain her composure in the face of criticism, Lisa tripped over her words on the runway, and Bianca struggled to keep her big mouth shut. Again. Most importantly, the models learned that they will soon be doing some international traveling! (Cue group squeal.)

In addition to the Heather/Bianca/Lisa drama, this week we discuss:

• What happens when the models are forced to write and recite their own speeches on the runway
• Why Heather, Lisa and Saleisha ended up bathing together in the ANTM communal shower
• How Dara, Jill and I fared in our respective high school gym classes. I'm not even sure how we landed on this topic, but then we don't call this vlog We're Getting Nowhere for nothing!

Also, in another We're Getting Nowhere bonus feature, the "lost" ANTM contestants, Loquacious, Lorelai and Natalia, meet with FIDM students and inspire their original designs. (Though I'm not sure that "inspire" is really the best word to describe what those models do to those poor students.) … continue reading

This most recent ANTM came perilously close to becoming a Very Special Episode. Not because of the guest appearance by Enrique Iglesias (sans mole), or Tyra's questionable channeling of Debbie Allen circa 1980. No, it was something far more sinister.

In making her music video debut as a sexy undead girl, Heather almost did some method acting. It seems that the poor dear forgot to eat, much to the consternation of us all (well, everyone except for Bianca) and the paramedics were rushed in to nurse her back to health.

It was all so very dramatic! Can't you see how our faces were riddled with concern?

In addition to Heather's weakened state, this week we discuss:

• Why kneepads are essential accessories for all models
• How much we still love Lisa (even if she can't come back up from a deep knee bend)
• Why Heather's continued success is so very frustratin' to some of the other contestants

In contrast, this week was a Very Special Episode of We're Getting Nowhere, but in a good way. We welcomed two very special guestbians — care to guess their secret identities?

Also, in another We're Getting Nowhere bonus feature, we'll see an exclusive AfterEllen.com interview with the "lost" ANTM contestants, Loquacious, Lorelai and Natalia.

We sure did enjoy our journalistic integrity while we had it! … continue reading

This week on ANTM (Episode 9.6), something unprecedented occurred. [Spoiler alert!!] And no, it was not a thoughtful discussion between the contestants about the problematic nature of accurate representation on reality television. The twist was that when Ambreal and Ebony found themselves in the bottom two and Ebony was spared, she quit the show anyway! Whaaaaat? Quit? Would you be surprised to know that Tyra hates quitters? Neither were we.

This week, we discuss:

• The universal appeal of Tyson Beckford (1 out of 3 lesbians agree!)
• What (extra virgin) olive oil, caulk and kiełbasa have in common
• Why spokesmodels shouldn't have to write their own scripts

Also, in another We're Getting Nowhere bonus feature, we'll see a very special PSA from the "lost" ANTM contestants, Loquacious, Lorelai and Natalia. How does one turn public service into an opportunity for fisticuffs? Watch and learn. … continue reading

In this week's edition of ANTM (Episode 9.5) the contestants were faced with some tough obstacles. Ice rinks that were cold! Photo shoots atop really tall buildings! Janet's incessant list-making and chore assignments!

This week, we discuss:

• Whether or not sweet, awkward Heather might have begun drinking the Top Model Kool-Aid®
• How they come up with these crazy ideas (Gargoyles? Come on!) for the ANTM photo shoots
• Why Jill is sick of herself.

Also, in another special We're Getting Nowhere bonus feature, we'll touch base with the three "lost" ANTM contestants, Loquacious, Lorelai, and Natalia. You can enjoy their "private" confessionals in the clip below and find out how hard they rocked their high fashion gargoyle shoots, what they talk about with each other in their spare time, and why trampolines can be dangerous!

See Loquacious, Lorelai, and Natalia's full Top Model photo portfolios here

In our third and final (we promise!) video this week, we have some exclusive video footage from the Dante's Cove Season 3 premiere in Los Angeles. Watch as Dara and I (and 100 of Jill's closest friends) harass our favorite out starlet as she walks the red carpet, signs autographs, and pressures hapless afterparty attendees into drinking copious amounts of "apple juice." … continue reading

This week we celebrate the joyous occasion of a new cycle of America's Next Top Model. And by "celebrate," we mean make a video blog about it in which we mock it mercilessly!

Well, not really. The truth is that we love the show and the queen of its kingdom, Tyra Banks. So in our premiere ANTM blog we pay her due worship while dissecting everything we love, hate, and just don't understand about the latest cycle of our (well, my and Jill's anyway) favorite show.

In our premiere ANTM video blog, we discuss:

• Proper catwalk technique
• Lap dances
• What the three of us would like to do to Tyra

One note: Jill talks at length about the scrawny models, impossible body image standards for women, and how she often "starves herself down" for a role. Just to clarify, Jill does actually eat, and I can vouch for this because she cooks me dinner all the time. And eats it. So please don't send her food. But thanks for caring.

Also, the South of Nowhere mid-season finale edition of "We're Getting Nowhere" will be posted next week, so hold tight! … continue reading

The CW's new show Gossip Girl starts tonight at 9:00/8:00c. It sure has been getting a lot of press lately, possibly simply because of its slightly salacious title. We'll have a mini review right here on the blog later this week, so watch it tonight if you want to form your own opinion before we slant your perspective. Oh, and right before that (at 8:00/7:00c), watch America's Next Top Model so you can figure out what Dara, Karman and Jill are talking about in their video blog.

Other fall premieres tonight include the misspelled 'Til Death (8:30/7:30c on Fox), the new Kelsey Grammer vehicle Back to You (8:00/7:00c on Fox) and the controversial Kid Nation (8:00 on CBS).

Meanwhile, two girls we like to gossip about stop by the late-night talk shows:

Ellen DeGeneres will be on Late Night With David Letterman on CBS. And you can watch Ellen and Dave now on the Late Show website.

And Ali Larter will be on The Tonight Show With Jay Leno on NBC. She'll probably be promoting Resident Evil: Extinction, in which she looks like this (yow):

by Dorothy Snarker

Dead girls aren't hot. Period. End of discussion. Unless we're talking Dana Fairbanks or Tara Maclay (and even then, not while covered in blood), the dearly departed don't scream "SEXY!" In fact, they scream very much the opposite. So imagine my surprise when I was surfing around last Friday and found the most recent photo shoot from America's Next Top Model.

Yeah, you guessed it: dead girls. Is this a sick joke, emphasis on sick? When did violence against women become fashionable? Has Tyra finally gone and completely lost her mind?

(Click "read more" for more grisly scenes.) … continue reading

The latest recap of America's Next Top Model is available at AfterElton.com. The pictures are freaking me out a little — here are some prime examples:

I feel like I'm watching a mashup of Sugar High Glitter City, a David Bowie video, and Carrie. I mean, doesn't that second one look like a bloodbath as well as a sugar jones? Yow.

... be sure to check out the latest recap at AfterElton. I don't watch the show; I know it's rumored to be a common secret pleasure of lesbians, so I must be missing a gene somewhere. Anyway, this looks like the hit of the episode to me:

Does that remind you of Carly Pope, or is it just me?