With Top Chef: New York fans and lovers of cute things still mourning the premature loss of adoragay Patrick (those rosy cheeks!), Team Rainbow soldiers on to cook another day. But, hey, maybe the fact that you have an official T-shirt will console you. Consider Bravo's status as the gayest channel on TV cemented.

Meanwhile, Team EuroTrashers are busy feeling superior both to everyone else and each other. Stefan calls Fabio his biggest competition. Am I the only one who keeps seeing Harlequin romance covers every time someone says his name? It doesn't help that Fabio insists on repeating his competitive credo: “It doesn't matter how many dragons you kill, it's who takes home the princess.”

Wow, that's just wrong in every way possible. … continue reading

Blair and her accessories friends plan for her 18th birthday party. Blair’s legal! Serena’s there and wants to help, but she’s horribly pre-occupied with text messages she gets from Aaron directing her to his favorite spots around the city. Even Blair’s distracted, because Eleanor has a new boyfriend and Blair’s dying to meet him and envisions tall, dark and handsome — so of course we know right away that he’s none of the above.

Serena skips out of the party planning and follows a text that sends her to the middle of Times Square, where Aaron meets her. Aaron manages to get a live shot of Serena on the gigantic screen! Wow, he must really be in love to do something so ridiculously grandiose, huh? This gesture is grander than grand, and he and Serena kiss for all of NYC — or at least those stuck in Times Square — to see. Aaron asks if she will be his muse, and after a Jumbotron-size show of emotion, how can a girl resist?

Dan’s sell-out of Chuck, aka Charlie Trout, seems to be paying unusually high dividends. Not only does Dan’s story get him a Yale recommendation from his previous mentor, Noah Shapiro, but his high school writing is so incredibly awesome that New York magazine gives him a shot at an article for their fine publication regarding Charlie Trout’s real-life father. They want an exposé of Bart Bass. Dan agrees to do it, because apparently self-righteous only gets you to community college but ruthless gets you Ivy League recommendations.

Finally, Blair meets her mother’s new boyfriend, Cyrus Rose (yeah, Aaron’s father), and is grossly disappointed in his looks, his height and what seems to be his annoying personality. She tries to be mature about it until she learns that Cyrus and her mother are skipping her birthday party and heading to a Cyndi Lauper concert. Blair decides to search for skeletons in Cyrus’ closet to end the relationship once and for all. Over dinner with Cyrus, he tells Blair some long, sad story about a lost love when he was in Vietnam. … continue reading

Let me be the first to lead the cheer: Team Rainbow! Team Rainbow! Team Rainbow! Oh, sorry, I've gotten ahead of myself. Let me start at the beginning.

Welcome to your Top Chef: New York mini-cap. The fifth season takes a bite out of the Big Apple with 17 cheftestants vying for the title. We begin with three queer contestants who have lovingly named themselves “Team Rainbow.” No, seriously, I couldn't have made that up if I tried.

Team Rainbow: Richard, Jamie and Patrick

The cheftestants arrive in New York and before they've even put their luggage down, host Padma Lakshmi and head judge Tom Colicchio have them peeling apples. Proving that the first cut is the deepest, the Quickfire Challenge is also an Elimination Challenge. The first nine to peel the apples are safe, the next six to successfully brunoise them are safe, and finally, the last two remaining chefs must prepare a dish with them to decide who must pack his/her knives and go.

Finnish chef Stefan is the first to peel his apples and wins immunity. Team Rainbow members Richard from Long Island and Jamie from San Francisco are safe in the peeling round. But poor cutie Patrick, a 21-year-old culinary student, is not so lucky. He makes the bottom two, but his apple slaw saves him from elimination. … continue reading

After last week's judgment, the remaining queen wannabees return to their Palace of Bunk beds. Tanedra is exhausted by the mere sight of seeing Michelle walk through the door. How did Marissa get the axe instead of Michelle? As Jessica trumpets Lina's triumph of being named "Leading Lady" for the week, and Lina unironically flips her hair around, Tanedra rubs her temples. She later tells us that Michelle's acting is just not "believable" — which is a very kind understatement on her part.

Michelle is still "uncertain about what exactly sucks" about her performance, and just in case we share her confusion, the editors at Scream Queens roll some footage of one of her scenes to refresh our memory. They include a shot of her cast mates laughing hysterically at her unintentionally comedic scene.

Michelle protests, "I have a year of training. It's not like I'm just some good-looking girl they picked up on the side of the road." Wow. All of that experience AND humility? Amazing. She should be teaching some Master classes.

Angela laments the fact that she hasn't even been in the judgment room (for praise or humiliation) and has gotten zero feedback. No news is good news, Angela.

The next day, Shawnee gathers the contestants for their next challenge. She tells them that they need to learn about my favorite kind of scary movies, the ones in which horror and humor go hand-in-hand.

Shawnee shows them a scene from the classic campy horror film, The Brain That Wouldn't Die (1962) and Inside the Actor's Studio shoe-in Michelle gripes, " The actress is basically just a head. It was a horribly written — first of all, black and white, I mean hello! Have you heard of color?" … continue reading

I believe what Jenny did, by crashing Bart and Lily’s boring charity event, is called making a fashion statement. Her statement was so loud that it screamed at Dan that he’s too cautious and yelled at Rufus that he’s not in charge.

Last week's episode, “There Might Be Blood,” had most of the characters’ blood either racing or boiling. Jenny and her new BFF, Agnes, plot a guerilla fashion show. This should not be confused with a gorilla fashion show where large hairy beasts walk around in Jenny’s dresses (which might have been more fun than the actual show), but rather it’s a plot to hijack an already planned event and have an impromptu fashion show.

Dan and Nate stumble upon Jenny’s plan early on, and Jenny begs her self-righteous brother not to spill the beans to Rufus. Dan’s not sure what to do so he leaves to consult with Vanessa while Nate stays behind to do what exactly? Oh, right, to drive Jenny and Agnes to the event they’re not invited to.

Vanessa admits to Dan that she thinks it’s great that Jenny is taking a risk for something she’s passionate about. Rufus overhears the conversation and the three go back to the loft to talk with Jenny. When they arrive, Jenny is leaving with Agnes and Nate. Rufus and Dan feel good that at least Nate is there to talk some sense into Jenny. Vanessa still has feelings for Nate, but she also knows that Nate’s not always on the correct side of moral judgment. … continue reading

The drama continues this week on Scream Queens, when Lindsay returns to the holding pen to tell the girls that she was crowned “Leading Lady” for the week. Per the norm, no one is particularly happy for her.

Lina admits that director Gunn told her that she needs an “attitude adjustment” and to “stop being a diva.” No one offers up the typically-obligatory, “Oh my God, that’s so not true!”

The girls also learn that “poor Mariss” was told by the judges that she comes across as fake, and she cries about how they must have it out for her and that she can’t possibly change their minds. The girls reassure her that she can appear to be less fake if she really tries. Of course, if all else fails, Marissa can just fake it.

Later, Shawnee meets the contenders at the studio location where she shot the infamous “jaw trap” scene in the original Saw film.

I’m so glad they didn’t have these contraptions when I was growing up. I talked a lot and my mother was into corporal punishment.

The girls learn that they are going to learn how to do their own high dive stunts, or, as Shawnee calls it, “the proper and safe way to fall on your ass.” Lina has a fear of heights, but Jessica is excited because, as she tells us, she’s a "thrill-seeker and a risk-taker,” which doesn’t do much for her reputation as a nutbag with her fellow contestants.

Shawnee reminds them that even though they’ll be jumping out of a window, this is an acting challenge. They will be chased by a homicidal maniac, and each has to choose whether or not to jump or die at his hands. Of course, they’re required to “choose” to jump (Shawnee’s definition of “choice” is apparently much like that of the Republican party), and Shawnee wants to see “the moment of choice” in their eyes.

Sarah prepares to jump, and later tells us that she didn’t give a thought to the “immunity” reward she could win. She just kept in mind “that someone’s gonna come f-----g kill me!”

Due to the past criticism of the judges, Marissa wants to be as honest in her performance as she possibly can. No faking it with this jump. But she sucks, as does Angela, who follows her. Shawnee tells them “Don’t forget to act!” (Isn’t that the actor’s version of forgetting to breathe?) Pageant queen Michelle follows them, but forgets not to overact. Yes, she sucks too.

Lina uses her actual fear to her advantage, works up some genuine tears, and jumps. Success! Shawnee tells her it’s her “sexiest performance yet.” … continue reading

Season 2 of Army Wives ended Sunday — with less of a bang than a whimper.

The spoilers promised cliffhangers, so I expected something really intense after the explosion that ended Season 1. In fact, the previews set us up to think that someone died (I predicted Jeremy). Instead, every character got a mini-cliffhanger, but nothing was compelling enough to make me anxious to see Season 3.

The bar fight
Roxy gets word that Betty has died of cancer, which brings about a reconciliation of sorts with her mom, Marda. Then Betty’s nephew Collin brings Betty’s ashes to Roxy because she was the closest person to Betty.

As Betty’s only living relative, Collin inherited half of the bar. Trevor is excited at first that Roxy might have a co-manager, because Trevor wants to have a baby since he’s not going to Iraq for a while. What else does he have to do?

However, we soon learn that Collin is going to court to contest Roxy’s half-ownership. Didn’t Roxy and Betty sign legal documents when Betty gave Roxy half the bar? I thought so. But I guess that would be far too simple. … continue reading

After two weeks of being in the bottom two, lesbian model Elina was eliminated on tonight's episode, "The Final Five."

Consistently referred to as being "too controlled," the judges were shocked to recall that the model hopeful was only 18-years-old because she wasn't going "crazy" enough in her shoots.

Upon eliminating her, Tyra said, "You're the edgy one with tattoos!" and compared Elina's business suit attire to her composure. Suddenly, it all clicked for Elina, and she let go (OK, not really, but she does like to edit the show so that we'd think so, doesn't she?). Elina did, however, do a couple of growls while whipping her hair around her head. Too little, too late.

But I'm getting ahead of myself as, of course, the other models matter too. It was the go-see episode (or as Paulina referred to it, "the go-and-see" episode) that happens every cycle. The girls had to visit clients by boat in Amsterdam and confusion and stressful situations ensue (except for McKey, but then she shows up late so she probably should have been a little more attentive to the time). … continue reading

Little Jenny Humphrey is all grown up — and she dyed her hair and put black circles around her eyes to prove it. She also kisses Nate, tells Eleanor that her designs would be on the sale rack without young, hip Jenny’s eye for fashion, parties till the break of dawn with grown people, dances in her underwear while creepy grown men take her picture, has no job and doesn’t go to school. So take that, all you regular 15-year-old Stepford kids!

If you can't tell, this episode was all about Jenny.

Surprisingly though, the episode, “Pret-a-Poor-J,” doesn’t start with J at all; it starts with B. Remember how Whitney Houston sang it so beautifully: "Learning to love yourself is the greatest love of all." Sing it! Yeah, well, um, Blair was learning to love herself one morning before school when Dorota interrupts Blair’s lesson. … continue reading

Queer contestant Elina narrowly missed elimination (again) on America's Next Top Model in episode 11.10 "Planes, Trains, and Slow Automobiles," as Sheena got the boot and Top Model was winnowed down to five.

In between photo shoots in former brothels and on pirate ships, the models had flew to Amsterdam, had arguments over the legalization of prostitution, and shared a "lesbian bath moment" (it's not as exciting as it sounds).

I know Sheena can play up the porn look too easily, but really, I'm not seeing "hooch" in those boat photos. And Jay's comment about her not being "ladylike" was just annoying.

Sheena will definitely be missed, at least by me. You can see her portfolio of photos here — this one's my favorite:

Next week: it's time for the go-sees! Ten bucks says Marjorie has a nervous breakdown.